Moving Forward

Today I cried a tear on a note that I previously wrote. It was nothing major, just a doodle of a reminder, message I took on the phone or what have you. But it was insane where the teardrop landed. It landed on the word “forward.” Nothing stuck out more than the smeared ink on paper underneath my liquid emotions. I hadn’t cried a lot. In fact, it was a single, lonely tear…enough to make you believe it was my contacts bothering me. But it was more than that. I had been asking myself what should I do with my heart, my future, my faith, my family. And then it hit me, I needed to keep moving forward without the influence of know-it-alls, and people who have only held me back for far too long as it was. I thought I needed a certain someone to help push/pull me. But my own history has shown me that I was better off following my own gut…and the voice of God.

I was at the epitome of happiness. At the dawn of a new career, parenthood, faith, and free from the abusive chains of what was once confused for love. It was later that I would allow myself to be distracted by the same bullshit I had surely evaded. I had fallen from perpetual grace and bliss. The worst part was that it wasn’t the physical scars, I would have to let heal, it would be the new emotional ones, on top of one another. I thought I was doing myself a service of starting over and waiting for that moment when things would be perfect. But then it revealed to me that I was being selfish and stringing others along. However as I sit here and type I realize that my cynical/sarcastic ass was just waiting for things to eventually go wrong again. So it was me who was being in turn strung along by none other than…me!

We go through so much pain and craziness for someone who would never do the same. We forgive and forget only to repeat the same dumb shit. True people change but only to some extent. Some stuff is irreparable!

But how dumb is that? Why would people sacrifice love and their self worth for the sake of someone else when you only end up putting your own happiness on hold? MAAAANNNN!!! Fuck that! People think that others have their best interest at heart. They will cap your head up with shit like, “I love you” or “I will do anything for you” or “you’re everything I’m looking for” BUT rest assured there is some little thing in the way of you completely being the one or whatever. If you think about it, it’s all bullshit just like politics, words don’t get a vote, but actions do. It’s like having the password to someone you’re with voicemail, email, Facebook and Twitter account but the sneaky bastards delete everything! First off if you were all that faithful, trustworthy, honest, you wouldn’t need to pass of any passwords in the first place to prove your fidelity and your partner shouldn’t have to have the need to snoop! Love and trust are like peanut butter and jelly…they’re ok on their own but are much tastier together!

Back to my case in point…I thought that I had to forget to forgive. But I don’t and I’m worth more than waiting for a chance to have my heart broken again. You don’t have to be bitter and miserable however, sometimes giving up isn’t the worst that you can do.

And the moral of the story is....

Once upon a time there was a girl, carefree, happy, and who yearned to express herself at any given time.

One day her mommy sat her down and told her it wasn't normal to be so free-spirited and that her behavior should be toned down to what society demanded of her. Her mommy advised her that she should figure out what to do what her life, go to school, have a family and/or the usual.

And so she did...

One day while in high school, she still felt the need to rebel and not conform to the usual, drugs, sex, overachieving/underachieving or activity that the other teens were engaged in...but just to exist happily.

Then one day she met a boy who said he loved her and although she managed not to give in to his desires for a while, she did shortly before her 20th birthday. But it made her feel heavy and empty still. And in turn, he felt the coldness upon them both.

They tried to make it work but he knew better than her that she was unhappy and unaroused. She knew that she cared for and loved him deeply but it wasn't the love he was giving to her that she was missing on. It wasn't even penetration. And despite making it work, they were from the same plane yet different worlds, that tried desperately to collide... but eventually everything comes to end and falls apart... so they parted ways.

But then one day she met a girl and she felt complete, she met friends like herself, happy, expressive and clever. But most importatnly, they were free... They, like her were unafraid to be themselves. Seeking equality and being out felt good. She was alive once more.

But the of the rest world and loved ones she knew told her that she was weird and trying to be something she was not. They told her that the music she listened to, the clothes she wore and the orientation she yearned for was wrong. They told her to be "normal" and to be what they deemed her to be.

And so she did...

She felt lost, drunken, confused, crazed, enraged... yet her void that had since left loomed greatly over her head once more and then it happened... she lost herself... shortly thereafter depression set in, pills and razors nearly set her free but it was later she would be saved... or would she...?

She met another boy, and he gave her the greatest mistake of her life. A child. It was a miracle and a gift. Nothing joyed her more than that tiny, perfect person. Someone who she bore unto the world who she would raise to be unafraid, free-spirited and gifted like she had been. But it would be nearly impossible to harness that yet reclaim the freedom she had once lost but she would die trying. Her new mission was to protect this treasure at all costs... The vicious cycle needed to be destroyed for her daughter's sake.

Incredible? Yes! Impossible? No!

Difficult? Surely! Inevitable? Definitely!

Never let go and lose yourself...even to the ones you love. And never allow someone to hinder doing what makes you happy (or successful to you) because they can't do it themselves...

To be continued...

What Happened to the Love??

Today’s Hump Day Thought of the Week is brought to you by the word/thought/emotion: LOVE.

Well I was driving to work the other day like I always do and after dropping my daughter off at school I listened to the radio. Normally I prefer a CD or the shenanigans of talk radio or news in the morning but I felt the urge to hear some good ol’ Rhythm and Blues. Well I must say that although, it incites a “feel good urge” and it makes you bob your head, it by all means does not move your soul or give you the hope that love as awesome as it is, exists.

Now I am not hating on your average “soul” artists but it is beginning to get annoying to hear about bumping, grinding and being a little freak more than soulful love, intimacy and kindness. What happened to songs that talked about doing anything to see a smile on your partner’s face? These songs encouraged you to bring your girl her favorite flowers or surprise her with a small token of love or even surprise lunch. I mean even for the cheap at heart (like myself) or those whose pockets are thin, there was always something that inspired us to do things out of love.

I even miss the songs about heartbreak that you listened to after a break-up. I mean after that idiot dumped you, you could listen to a song that related to your emotions regardless if you cried yourself into depression or simply destroyed their belongings. Now I am by no means encouraging any “Waiting to Exhale” behavior but the point is, where is the emotion nowadays?

Now songs only incite your libido. I am tired of hearing how many chicks/dudes folks can have or money. Quite frankly I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!!!! It’s ok to hear an occasional song about getting freaky but every single, bloody song is about sex, getting laid, getting high/drunk or getting money. Even to the raps. Are we running out of originality or are we allowing the music industry to turn us into clones who only listen to what they believe brings in the $$$$? Like I said I have love for the artists/poets of today and despite how I feel there are some soul artists who show the soul and love musically.

Honestly it’s no wonder a girl can’t get her man to do a damn nice thing for her, he’s busy thinking about getting busy! Ask a guy when is the last time he got her some flowers or gave her a massage or her favorite fragrance (Birthday, Valentine’s or Mother’s day excluded)?

And ladies you aren’t off the hook either, these stripper-themed songs aren’t encouraging anything much better. When is the last time you cooked for your man instead of worrying about outdoing the whore next door? Better question, do any of us amongst my generation even know where the kitchen is? Just curious, why is it that women just want a guy for money? I put it like this, if you gotta keep asking for money on payday or for him to do this/that for you, you have 2 options: 1) You can get a job/additional income and help yourself. 2) If he was any kind of real man, you wouldn’t have to nag/beg so much and thus you can find a man you shouldn’t have to ask for help over and over again because he would fulfill that need among others as his role as provider.

I am just curious where the love went is all… What happened to showing someone you care or surprising them for G.P. without sex having to be the only benefit? No wonder the divorce rate is high and fidelity is so low…